Domesticated Lady

The last time I had a year this trying, I tried to kill myself. Literally. I wanted to die. I figured dying had to be less painful. Thank God I failed!!! It was the first time I ever appreciated failure... I got the help I needed, and now I help those in need. I'm in a much better place now. So no, suicidal thoughts aren't floating around my head. In fact, I'm hopeful. So much so, that I'm excited to see what 2019 has in store for me.  2018 forced me to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The woman I am today is stronger and wiser than the woman who started this blog. I've been betrayed, unemployed, back-stabbed, lied on and cheated. I was used and manipulated. I was cast out and misquoted. I have grieved the death of a friend and the death of a relationship . I have stayed up at night worrying about people I care about the most. I have had hiccups and upsets all while navigating the day-to-day life of a wife/mom/teacher. And yet... I...

Earlier this week I saw a video of a little girl who is one year younger than my daughter. In this video the little girl was reading a book without assistance. And she did an absolutely amazing job. My daughter is very bright, and can sound out words using the Fundamental Phonics techniques she's been introduced to. But, it is a tedious and slow-moving process that often times leaves us both extremely frustrated. Now, we JUST started the phonics program a month ago. And my child can sound and blend. She can't feel too much pressure or her anxiety will take over. When her anxiety takes over, she completely shuts down and learning becomes impossible. This is one of the many reasons I home school. And yet, seeing this younger child reading fluidly did something to me. I started to get angry with my child for how slowly the long-way is moving. I felt like she is just too smart to NOT be able to read already. My frustration began to build until my eye started to twitch. And th...

And I'm BACK!!! The month of May was so full, that I needed to take a recovery break. I truly believe in self-care, and that charity begins at home. Furthermore, sticking to my beliefs allowed me to avoid a serious illness that usually brings up the rear of busy periods. See, there was the 1.5 hour road trip and carnival during the first weekend, Mother's Day on weekend number 2, the Walk to End Lupus Now on the third weekend, and we rounded the month off with our fun-filled holiday weekend. Of course, I still had to tend to my domesticated duties and home school responsibilities during this busy season. And there's still my client whose needs must be met 5 days a week. Also, I was captain of my lupus walk team, and that comes with so many extra responsibilities, that I'm still trying to figure out how I survived the month. And if I didn't have enough to deal with, there were the attitudes and lack of follow-through from people who had committed to help, bu...

"Repeat after me", my young pastor instructed from behind the pulpit. "I do NOT belong to myself!" "I do NOT belong to myself", chanted the congregation in stunned obedience. And that's when it hit me, again. I'm simply here to serve so that I can fulfill my earthly purpose . Once I have, it'll be time for me to go live with Jesus. You see, until I fulfill my requirements, I'm going to remain here. Regardless of the lupus I have, the neighborhood I live in and/or the obstacles I face. Therefore, none of those things should take up more time than what's needed to move pass them, so that I can keep moving along. In fact, I am certain that each of those things are distractions meant to keep me from reaching the goal.  Well, not today Satan. I'm fortunate in that, I know what my spiritual gift is. I was made to be a teacher . But not in the traditional way. The funny thing is, I never wanted to be a teacher , but life's...

Last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life. That is, with regards to my health. I had mouth sores that made it impossible to eat. A stomach ache that left my dry heaving. Sores in my scalp that were bloody. Swelling in my joints that caused a pain that left me grounded. And fatigue so severe that I felt confused for most of the week. I'm used to these symptoms. You see, they show up every time I have a LUPUS flare. Sometimes the symptoms are mild and relatively bearable. And then there are times like last week, where I'm certain that death is hovering over my deformed body. And if I'm totally honest, there are days when I know that going with Grim would require much less effort than fighting him off, again.  Flares like this last one leave me terrified of the arrival of the next one. And I promise you, there will be a next one.  Most people have no clue what Lupus is. So I'm going to take a moment to fill you in. Lupus is an autoimmune disease. This m...

I'm back!!! I skipped last week in order to grieve thoroughly, so that I could come back and chat with a clear mind. On Thursday, February 15, 2018 a friend of mine and his toddler son were slain in their own suburban home.  That night, I had trouble getting comfortable enough to fall asleep. It was storming, and my Restless Leg Syndrome was in rare form. I felt as though I were being stabbed, over and over again . Relief finally began to arrive in minuscule doses around 9:30 pm, so that by 10:15 pm, I had finally fallen asleep. Imagine my utter frustration when my husband's phone rang around 10:40 pm with the tragic news of an attack that left me feeling robbed. Disbelief . In its rawest form. I wasn't even sad at first. How can something you don't believe in hurt you? But after having the local news confirm my two original sources, I started to feel the loss only being violated can cause.  I was wounded. Cut deep. Shot. Delivered a blow. I have yet to...

It's the day before Valentine's Day, and my 4:00 am alarm is screaming at me. I swear the nights are getting shorter. I know that I just laid down.  I'm hesitant to submit to the dictation of the intrusive alarm for a variety of reasons: The first being, I'm tired . I mean, it's 4:00 am. Another being, this week is moving too quickly and I'm feeling over-whelmed at the thought of not meeting my own expectations. The main reason is the fact that this alarm is specifically set, so that I can make my husband breakfast, pack him a snack and assist him as needed before he leaves for work. And after having one of those marital spats, I'm not in the mood to serve him. In fact, I want nothing to do with him at the moment, and I believe that I can teach him a lesson by "forgetting" to meet his needs. I want him as upset as I am. I want him to work for my affections, to earn his meal and my help. I want him aware that this is a sacrifice that I mak...