Domesticated Lady

The last time I had a year this trying, I tried to kill myself. Literally. I wanted to die. I figured dying had to be less painful. Thank God I failed!!! It was the first time I ever appreciated failure... I got the help I needed, and now I help those in need. I'm in a much better place now. So no, suicidal thoughts aren't floating around my head. In fact, I'm hopeful. So much so, that I'm excited to see what 2019 has in store for me.  2018 forced me to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The woman I am today is stronger and wiser than the woman who started this blog. I've been betrayed, unemployed, back-stabbed, lied on and cheated. I was used and manipulated. I was cast out and misquoted. I have grieved the death of a friend and the death of a relationship . I have stayed up at night worrying about people I care about the most. I have had hiccups and upsets all while navigating the day-to-day life of a wife/mom/teacher. And yet... I...

Earlier this week I saw a video of a little girl who is one year younger than my daughter. In this video the little girl was reading a book without assistance. And she did an absolutely amazing job. My daughter is very bright, and can sound out words using the Fundamental Phonics techniques she's been introduced to. But, it is a tedious and slow-moving process that often times leaves us both extremely frustrated. Now, we JUST started the phonics program a month ago. And my child can sound and blend. She can't feel too much pressure or her anxiety will take over. When her anxiety takes over, she completely shuts down and learning becomes impossible. This is one of the many reasons I home school. And yet, seeing this younger child reading fluidly did something to me. I started to get angry with my child for how slowly the long-way is moving. I felt like she is just too smart to NOT be able to read already. My frustration began to build until my eye started to twitch. And th...

In Part 1 of this two-part post, I go into detail about how I manage my newly domesticated life via the P.D.C.A . method. I also explain that this method can be used to help facilitate reaching any type of goal. I only briefly mention what to do if the plan doesn't turn out because I wanted to wait to address completely failed plans in this post. So what if you've made and followed a plan? Then made necessary adjustments? Have been completely committed without falling off or becoming distracted? What if you've allowed enough time? What if you've done your part, but the goal isn't being met? And I mean, NO part of the plan is working! In fact, the more you work it, the further away the goal becomes... It's time for me to pause to say this... I am a Christian. This means I believe that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are three parts that make up the one true, living God who is the author and finisher of everything that is, was or w...

It amazes me how often I'm asked, "But HOW do you manage it ALL?" Saying that I homeschool is enough for most people to think I'm nuts or have some type of super power. But when they learn that I homeschool AND work AND run the budget AND clean the house 99% of the time AND read books for fun & development AND prepare for Sunday School AND cook 95% of ALL of our meals ALL while managing my weight (90 lbs down) AND my lupus, they start to look ill. Or, they simply don't believe me. To be fair, before I grew to this point, I would have felt the same way. I also would have felt inadequate in my own efforts to manage my life. But, I don't like for people to have to dwell in the dark places that had once consumed me. So, I'm going to share my secret. A few years ago I was listening to a CD that changed my life. I don't remember the name of the CD or the man speaking. But, I remember feeling empowered once it was finished. A little bit of bac...

And I'm BACK!!! The month of May was so full, that I needed to take a recovery break. I truly believe in self-care, and that charity begins at home. Furthermore, sticking to my beliefs allowed me to avoid a serious illness that usually brings up the rear of busy periods. See, there was the 1.5 hour road trip and carnival during the first weekend, Mother's Day on weekend number 2, the Walk to End Lupus Now on the third weekend, and we rounded the month off with our fun-filled holiday weekend. Of course, I still had to tend to my domesticated duties and home school responsibilities during this busy season. And there's still my client whose needs must be met 5 days a week. Also, I was captain of my lupus walk team, and that comes with so many extra responsibilities, that I'm still trying to figure out how I survived the month. And if I didn't have enough to deal with, there were the attitudes and lack of follow-through from people who had committed to help, bu...

If being a woman in today's society was a hashtag, it would probably look something like this: #BossLikeAGirl!!!  Personally, I know more women entrepreneurs, professionals, in positions of power, with multiple degrees, with multiple jobs and with multiple lives than ever before. And these are young women. The most recent example of this is a young woman who quit her job on her 27th birthday to go into business for herself. Women are able to adapt at the drop of a hat.  "This week's check was short. Okay. Lemme wait to get... Now carry on." We hold the weight of the stress of having to make suddenly inconvenient changes without sweating or stumbling. You see, sweat ruins our make-up and stumbling scuffs our shoes.  When German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsch first stated " That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger ," I'm almost sure he'd been observing women. Just this week alone, I had to jump back into life as if my child hadn...

"Repeat after me", my young pastor instructed from behind the pulpit. "I do NOT belong to myself!" "I do NOT belong to myself", chanted the congregation in stunned obedience. And that's when it hit me, again. I'm simply here to serve so that I can fulfill my earthly purpose . Once I have, it'll be time for me to go live with Jesus. You see, until I fulfill my requirements, I'm going to remain here. Regardless of the lupus I have, the neighborhood I live in and/or the obstacles I face. Therefore, none of those things should take up more time than what's needed to move pass them, so that I can keep moving along. In fact, I am certain that each of those things are distractions meant to keep me from reaching the goal.  Well, not today Satan. I'm fortunate in that, I know what my spiritual gift is. I was made to be a teacher . But not in the traditional way. The funny thing is, I never wanted to be a teacher , but life's...

Last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life. That is, with regards to my health. I had mouth sores that made it impossible to eat. A stomach ache that left my dry heaving. Sores in my scalp that were bloody. Swelling in my joints that caused a pain that left me grounded. And fatigue so severe that I felt confused for most of the week. I'm used to these symptoms. You see, they show up every time I have a LUPUS flare. Sometimes the symptoms are mild and relatively bearable. And then there are times like last week, where I'm certain that death is hovering over my deformed body. And if I'm totally honest, there are days when I know that going with Grim would require much less effort than fighting him off, again.  Flares like this last one leave me terrified of the arrival of the next one. And I promise you, there will be a next one.  Most people have no clue what Lupus is. So I'm going to take a moment to fill you in. Lupus is an autoimmune disease. This m...

I was embarrassed. I became domesticated under a set of circumstances that I did not choose. I felt like dead weight. I've always worked for what I want. I was afraid of depending solely on my husband's income. I was angry for trusting someone who didn't deserve to be trusted. I was delighted when I got my first client. I felt important again. I was re-filled with a sense of purpose . I could make financial contributions again. I would no longer be a burden . I gained access to BOTH worlds: The Workplace Wilderness AND Destination Domestication!!! I would ONLY mention one of them, because I was still ashamed of being domesticated. Until... My husband and I were having an end of the day chat. He asked me how was staying at home? So I confessed that it was a delight, but that I was also grateful to be able to contribute to the finances. He looked at me pointedly. Deep in thought. Before finally saying, "I thought you said that your m...

I'm back!!! I skipped last week in order to grieve thoroughly, so that I could come back and chat with a clear mind. On Thursday, February 15, 2018 a friend of mine and his toddler son were slain in their own suburban home.  That night, I had trouble getting comfortable enough to fall asleep. It was storming, and my Restless Leg Syndrome was in rare form. I felt as though I were being stabbed, over and over again . Relief finally began to arrive in minuscule doses around 9:30 pm, so that by 10:15 pm, I had finally fallen asleep. Imagine my utter frustration when my husband's phone rang around 10:40 pm with the tragic news of an attack that left me feeling robbed. Disbelief . In its rawest form. I wasn't even sad at first. How can something you don't believe in hurt you? But after having the local news confirm my two original sources, I started to feel the loss only being violated can cause.  I was wounded. Cut deep. Shot. Delivered a blow. I have yet to...

It's the day before Valentine's Day, and my 4:00 am alarm is screaming at me. I swear the nights are getting shorter. I know that I just laid down.  I'm hesitant to submit to the dictation of the intrusive alarm for a variety of reasons: The first being, I'm tired . I mean, it's 4:00 am. Another being, this week is moving too quickly and I'm feeling over-whelmed at the thought of not meeting my own expectations. The main reason is the fact that this alarm is specifically set, so that I can make my husband breakfast, pack him a snack and assist him as needed before he leaves for work. And after having one of those marital spats, I'm not in the mood to serve him. In fact, I want nothing to do with him at the moment, and I believe that I can teach him a lesson by "forgetting" to meet his needs. I want him as upset as I am. I want him to work for my affections, to earn his meal and my help. I want him aware that this is a sacrifice that I mak...

I promised myself that I would sleep in . This is the statement making waves in my brain after I check the time on my phone. It's 5:02 am. And I'm wide awake, on this cold Saturday morning after having promising myself that I would sleep in. But my unwritten to-do list is assaulting the peace I need in order to get some sleep.  Earlier in the week, I washed 6 loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, paid bills, acquired an updated insurance policy, re-signed my lease and made a Sam's Club run all while keeping up with my other day-to-day tasks and chores. Friday night I was exhausted. So much so, that I howled in pure frustration when I realized I there was another 5 loads of laundry that HAD to be cleaned before Sunday. Here I was on Friday afternoon, swollen with pride at how the entire weekend could be taken at a slow pace, thanks to my efforts during the week. Seeing that basket left me feeling winded as if it had sprouted arms and punched me in the gut.  But ...

A Bit of Background Information... Danielle is the female version of Daniel. Daniel means "God is my judge", and so does Danielle...by association. I attend church and Sunday School regularly. January 2018 lessons have all been about 'standing your ground with regards to your convictions, NO MATTER the COST '. The text to support the unit has come from the book of... Daniel . Daniel and his friends (often called the 3 Hebrew boys) were young, handsome and intelligent when their people were taken into captivity. These 4 fellas stood out to the point of being selected to go through a three-year boot-camp in order to be brainwashed so that they could serve the king who held them captive. Right from the beginning, their faith was tested . They passed each test with flying colors, with the assistance of God. Of course, whenever anyone shines brightly, they attract the attention of dull-minded haters . These particular Old-Testament haters caused the 3 Hebrew boy...

"Dear God. I just want to be the woman You want me to be." Be careful what you pray for. God has a way of developing you in ways that leave you sore and uncomfortable. If I stay honest. I have to admit that I am unsure what God wants for or from me and that is downright scary. I am afraid of not knowing what's next. I have spent thirteen years developing my professional career just for it to be snatched from me in the blink of an eye. The unknown is a fascinatingly frightening purgatory. Therefore, in an attempt not to lose myself to my anxieties about my future's financial stability, I am setting some ground rules. 1. No social media!     I need to hear from God, and that's so hard to do when I'm tuned in to everyone else. So for now, it's bye-bye Facebook. 2. Staying well-rested.     I have time on my hands now, so I might as well catch up on some much needed zzzzz's. Come back next week for more information about the importance of ge...

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a wife and mom. I knew I wanted to stay home and care for my children and serve my husband by creating a kingdom of peace called home. As I matured, the feeling grew stronger, but I was intelligent. I exceeded every low expectation given to the product of a teen pregnancy in the 80's. After graduating from college into a recession, I went into the only field I had experience in; childcare. I never wanted to work with children in that capacity, but I stayed in the field. I worked with children from every cultural and economic background in Saint Louis, MO and surrounding areas. I deepened my skills and knowledge base while adding years of experience under my belt. While I was flourishing in my professional development, I was suffering personally. Depression and anxiety started to consume me. It is so easy to lose your focus when real life doesn't meet the expectations of your fantasies . I was lost. I was confused. I was hurtin...