Domesticated Lady

The last time I had a year this trying, I tried to kill myself. Literally. I wanted to die. I figured dying had to be less painful. Thank God I failed!!! It was the first time I ever appreciated failure... I got the help I needed, and now I help those in need. I'm in a much better place now. So no, suicidal thoughts aren't floating around my head. In fact, I'm hopeful. So much so, that I'm excited to see what 2019 has in store for me.  2018 forced me to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The woman I am today is stronger and wiser than the woman who started this blog. I've been betrayed, unemployed, back-stabbed, lied on and cheated. I was used and manipulated. I was cast out and misquoted. I have grieved the death of a friend and the death of a relationship . I have stayed up at night worrying about people I care about the most. I have had hiccups and upsets all while navigating the day-to-day life of a wife/mom/teacher. And yet... I...

According to my schedule, I should have published a week ago. But life had its own plans. I ended up more fatigued than usual due to a late and brutal visit from "Aunt Flow." And because she's mean even under the best of circumstances, I laid down while she had her way with me. This act of nature threw me off so much. Everything was behind schedule. So much so, that I'm still playing catch-up. One of the worst things about being a natural born planner is the anxiety that arrives when things don't go according to plan. If I'm not on schedule, I worry about how badly things are going to turn out. I rarely act without over-thinking first. So, whatever I've decided on has more than one good reason that supports that decision. Not too many years ago, that anxiety consumed me. I operated and was motivated by that anxiety. I did whatever it took to avoid that tightening of my chest and shortening of my breath feeling that often times left me wide awake in ...

Earlier this week I saw a video of a little girl who is one year younger than my daughter. In this video the little girl was reading a book without assistance. And she did an absolutely amazing job. My daughter is very bright, and can sound out words using the Fundamental Phonics techniques she's been introduced to. But, it is a tedious and slow-moving process that often times leaves us both extremely frustrated. Now, we JUST started the phonics program a month ago. And my child can sound and blend. She can't feel too much pressure or her anxiety will take over. When her anxiety takes over, she completely shuts down and learning becomes impossible. This is one of the many reasons I home school. And yet, seeing this younger child reading fluidly did something to me. I started to get angry with my child for how slowly the long-way is moving. I felt like she is just too smart to NOT be able to read already. My frustration began to build until my eye started to twitch. And th...

Last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life. That is, with regards to my health. I had mouth sores that made it impossible to eat. A stomach ache that left my dry heaving. Sores in my scalp that were bloody. Swelling in my joints that caused a pain that left me grounded. And fatigue so severe that I felt confused for most of the week. I'm used to these symptoms. You see, they show up every time I have a LUPUS flare. Sometimes the symptoms are mild and relatively bearable. And then there are times like last week, where I'm certain that death is hovering over my deformed body. And if I'm totally honest, there are days when I know that going with Grim would require much less effort than fighting him off, again.  Flares like this last one leave me terrified of the arrival of the next one. And I promise you, there will be a next one.  Most people have no clue what Lupus is. So I'm going to take a moment to fill you in. Lupus is an autoimmune disease. This m...

This weekend, my husband and I watched season 1 of the Netflix original series, Seven Seconds. This season introduced us to three groups of people. The cops who killed and covered up the crime and their families, the victim's family and the detective and prosecutor duo who worked the case. This season addressed issues such as the lack of trust between officers and the people they police, dirty cops, gang activity and the way different people handle grief and guilt.  So as not to give away too much, I'm going to connect the dots of relevancy between this series and my point. In order to control the behavior of his boys in blue, the head dirty cop kept reminding the others that they were family, and that family sticks together. It doesn't matter if you're a murdering drug dealer. Your family should support, condone and even cover-up your ill-doings just because you're family.  The crazy thing is, I actually have a family member who feels the same way.  This...