Domesticated Lady

The last time I had a year this trying, I tried to kill myself. Literally. I wanted to die. I figured dying had to be less painful. Thank God I failed!!! It was the first time I ever appreciated failure... I got the help I needed, and now I help those in need. I'm in a much better place now. So no, suicidal thoughts aren't floating around my head. In fact, I'm hopeful. So much so, that I'm excited to see what 2019 has in store for me.  2018 forced me to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The woman I am today is stronger and wiser than the woman who started this blog. I've been betrayed, unemployed, back-stabbed, lied on and cheated. I was used and manipulated. I was cast out and misquoted. I have grieved the death of a friend and the death of a relationship . I have stayed up at night worrying about people I care about the most. I have had hiccups and upsets all while navigating the day-to-day life of a wife/mom/teacher. And yet... I...

According to my schedule, I should have published a week ago. But life had its own plans. I ended up more fatigued than usual due to a late and brutal visit from "Aunt Flow." And because she's mean even under the best of circumstances, I laid down while she had her way with me. This act of nature threw me off so much. Everything was behind schedule. So much so, that I'm still playing catch-up. One of the worst things about being a natural born planner is the anxiety that arrives when things don't go according to plan. If I'm not on schedule, I worry about how badly things are going to turn out. I rarely act without over-thinking first. So, whatever I've decided on has more than one good reason that supports that decision. Not too many years ago, that anxiety consumed me. I operated and was motivated by that anxiety. I did whatever it took to avoid that tightening of my chest and shortening of my breath feeling that often times left me wide awake in ...

In Part 1 of this two-part post, I go into detail about how I manage my newly domesticated life via the P.D.C.A . method. I also explain that this method can be used to help facilitate reaching any type of goal. I only briefly mention what to do if the plan doesn't turn out because I wanted to wait to address completely failed plans in this post. So what if you've made and followed a plan? Then made necessary adjustments? Have been completely committed without falling off or becoming distracted? What if you've allowed enough time? What if you've done your part, but the goal isn't being met? And I mean, NO part of the plan is working! In fact, the more you work it, the further away the goal becomes... It's time for me to pause to say this... I am a Christian. This means I believe that God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are three parts that make up the one true, living God who is the author and finisher of everything that is, was or w...

"Repeat after me", my young pastor instructed from behind the pulpit. "I do NOT belong to myself!" "I do NOT belong to myself", chanted the congregation in stunned obedience. And that's when it hit me, again. I'm simply here to serve so that I can fulfill my earthly purpose . Once I have, it'll be time for me to go live with Jesus. You see, until I fulfill my requirements, I'm going to remain here. Regardless of the lupus I have, the neighborhood I live in and/or the obstacles I face. Therefore, none of those things should take up more time than what's needed to move pass them, so that I can keep moving along. In fact, I am certain that each of those things are distractions meant to keep me from reaching the goal.  Well, not today Satan. I'm fortunate in that, I know what my spiritual gift is. I was made to be a teacher . But not in the traditional way. The funny thing is, I never wanted to be a teacher , but life's...

I've got about 4.5 active friendships. I'm friendly, kind and courteous to far more people, but I wouldn't count them as friends. If I'm totally honest, I used to be friends with some of them, but we outgrew one another. With others, I thought we were friends, until they proved me wrong and the rest were just people I sorta, kinda knew from around the way. Speaking briefly about the friendships I outgrew, I will admit that my younger self did not know such a thing was possible. Realizing I was at the end of a relationship has always stung, but I've learned something valuable from each of them. With regards to the people I cared about more than they cared about me, I learned something there too. Always believe and operate within the boundaries of who a person is, not the potential they have.  You see, grave yards are full of buried potential.  This is why, I cherish each one of my friends. I hurt when they hurt. I get mad for them. I don't let their...

I was embarrassed. I became domesticated under a set of circumstances that I did not choose. I felt like dead weight. I've always worked for what I want. I was afraid of depending solely on my husband's income. I was angry for trusting someone who didn't deserve to be trusted. I was delighted when I got my first client. I felt important again. I was re-filled with a sense of purpose . I could make financial contributions again. I would no longer be a burden . I gained access to BOTH worlds: The Workplace Wilderness AND Destination Domestication!!! I would ONLY mention one of them, because I was still ashamed of being domesticated. Until... My husband and I were having an end of the day chat. He asked me how was staying at home? So I confessed that it was a delight, but that I was also grateful to be able to contribute to the finances. He looked at me pointedly. Deep in thought. Before finally saying, "I thought you said that your m...

I'm back!!! I skipped last week in order to grieve thoroughly, so that I could come back and chat with a clear mind. On Thursday, February 15, 2018 a friend of mine and his toddler son were slain in their own suburban home.  That night, I had trouble getting comfortable enough to fall asleep. It was storming, and my Restless Leg Syndrome was in rare form. I felt as though I were being stabbed, over and over again . Relief finally began to arrive in minuscule doses around 9:30 pm, so that by 10:15 pm, I had finally fallen asleep. Imagine my utter frustration when my husband's phone rang around 10:40 pm with the tragic news of an attack that left me feeling robbed. Disbelief . In its rawest form. I wasn't even sad at first. How can something you don't believe in hurt you? But after having the local news confirm my two original sources, I started to feel the loss only being violated can cause.  I was wounded. Cut deep. Shot. Delivered a blow. I have yet to...

I promised myself that I would sleep in . This is the statement making waves in my brain after I check the time on my phone. It's 5:02 am. And I'm wide awake, on this cold Saturday morning after having promising myself that I would sleep in. But my unwritten to-do list is assaulting the peace I need in order to get some sleep.  Earlier in the week, I washed 6 loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, paid bills, acquired an updated insurance policy, re-signed my lease and made a Sam's Club run all while keeping up with my other day-to-day tasks and chores. Friday night I was exhausted. So much so, that I howled in pure frustration when I realized I there was another 5 loads of laundry that HAD to be cleaned before Sunday. Here I was on Friday afternoon, swollen with pride at how the entire weekend could be taken at a slow pace, thanks to my efforts during the week. Seeing that basket left me feeling winded as if it had sprouted arms and punched me in the gut.  But ...

"Dear God. I just want to be the woman You want me to be." Be careful what you pray for. God has a way of developing you in ways that leave you sore and uncomfortable. If I stay honest. I have to admit that I am unsure what God wants for or from me and that is downright scary. I am afraid of not knowing what's next. I have spent thirteen years developing my professional career just for it to be snatched from me in the blink of an eye. The unknown is a fascinatingly frightening purgatory. Therefore, in an attempt not to lose myself to my anxieties about my future's financial stability, I am setting some ground rules. 1. No social media!     I need to hear from God, and that's so hard to do when I'm tuned in to everyone else. So for now, it's bye-bye Facebook. 2. Staying well-rested.     I have time on my hands now, so I might as well catch up on some much needed zzzzz's. Come back next week for more information about the importance of ge...